Thursday, July 30, 2009

Going Home This Weekend

I hope everyone's been having a good week. Mine has actually been pretty good. My depressive state is going away and I haven't had a breakdown this week, so that's good. There has been no fighting with boyfriend since last Friday, so thats wonderful.

This weekend, we are going home because I have a family reunion to go to. Last year I was unable to go because I had just moved back to school and didn't have the money to come home for it. And this will be the first time Kody will meet my extended family. He's already met my grandma and my aunts uncles and cousins, but nobody other than that. My family is kinda crazy but I'm excited for him to meet them.

Speaking of family, Kody got a call from his grandma yesterday saying his grandpa wasn't doing well and he was in the ICU at the hospital. I really hope he pulls through this. I lost my grandpa when I was in 4th grade and Im not that close to my other grandpa, so his grandpa is like another grandpa to me. I hope we have time to go visit him while we are home.

I'm also really excited to go see Harry Potter on Sunday. I haven't seen it yet because every time a new movie comes out I have always gone with my grandma and I don't want to break that tradition just because I'm living away from home now. First I have to rent the last one because for some reason I haven't seen it in two years, since I seen that one in theaters.

I hope I have a good weekend. I think that its going to be pretty eventful. And going home always makes me feel better.

Before I go I want to let you guys know about the newest blog I started. Its a One Tree Hill fan blog that I started on wordpress. I am a die hard and One Tree Hill fan and I've been wanting to start this site for awhile, so here it is. If your a OTH fan I highly recommend you check it out! I'm so excited about it, and I think you'll love it.

The link is

Well, have a good weekend :)

Monday, July 27, 2009

I'm Starting to Feel Better :)

Me, Porcha, and Eden

I didn't take any pictures from my friend's Porcha's birthday out at the club, but my friend Jackie took a few before we left, and I love this picture. This was about a week and a half ago, when I was first starting to feel depressed. I love this picture because I look so happy, which I was happy because I love girl's nights, and just having some fun without Boyfriend. I mean, I love spending time with Kody, but sometimes we need to go out without each other, but its hard, since we hang out with all the same people.

This weekend, though, Kody and I had another fight, on Friday night. Everything was going so well until I caught him outside, smoking. He quit smoking months ago, after he found out his grandma had lung cancer. His mother is also at risk of getting throat cancer because she smokes so much. I was so proud of him for quitting because the earlier you quit smoking the less risk you have of getting cancer. He is only 20 so he hasn't been smoking for not even close to as long as his mother, or what his grandma did. She quit smoking 11 years ago.

But anyway, I caught him outside smoking, when I thought he only took hits occasionally from people at work. He told me he did that, but he would never buy a pack again. So I asked him where he got it from and he told me he bought his own pack. Thats what upset me the most because he told me he wouldn't do that. But he told me he got the pack like 2 or three weeks ago and has only smoke a few from it since then. In my mind, at least he isn't smoking on a regular basis, and he isn't doing it that often, but I was still disapointed in him, and I told him that. So he put the half smoked cigarette out.

My grandpa died of cancer when I was in 4th grade. My grandma is now with a guy, who's she has been with for the past several years, and he has cancer. Kody's grandma had cancer and his mom is at risk for cancer. My grandpa and my grandma's boyfriend's cancer has nothing to do with smoking, but anyone should understand why I wouldn't want my boyfriend so smoke. He's told me that he's quit smoking before but started back up again because he wanted to. I'm scared he's going to start smoking regularly again. And I don't want to lose him to cancer one day. Not only did his grandma have cancer but a lot of her family has died of cancer as well. He said it was breast cancer, but it was cancer non the less.

I know that he could still get some other kind of cancer, that has nothing to do with smoking, but at least his risks are lowered if he doesn't smoke. My grandpa was my best friend and I lost him. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I dont want to lose my best friend to cancer, again. Losing my grandpa was the hardest thing I ever had to go through and I dont want to do it again. I want to grow old with Kody and I want him to die an old man. My grandpa wasn't an old man, he was in his 50s.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Sorry For the Lack of Posting Lately

I've been really depressed lately and I haven't been in the mood to do almost anything. Even blog, which I love doing. I mean, I've been pretty down all summer, with not being able to find a job and whatnot, but I've been especially depressed this past week and a half. Its mostly because Kody and I have been fighting a lot this past week and a half.

Everything was good after we got back from visiting his parents a couple weeks ago, but last Tuesday we really got into it. I guess he has been stressed lately and was blaming me for everything saying that he wanted a companion and not a child. Basically saying that I was lazy because I didn't have a job and whatnot. He also felt like I didn't find him attractive anymore and that I hated touching him and kissing him. It made me feel like everything was falling apart and that we were soon going to break up. But we made up, like we always do, and he apologized and said he didnt mean all those things and he knows that I'm going through a slump right now and that everything will be fine once school starts in a month.

But I still couldn't help but feel depressed and feel like our relationship was falling apart and that I may be loosing him. Writing about it now makes me sad and want to tear up a little. He is everything to me, my best friend, my rock. I don't know what I would do without him. I've never felt this way about anyone else before, he is my first true love, my soul mate, the man I'm going to marry. But the both of us know we want to be together forever, so we do whatever we can to make things work and to get over our fights because we dont want to be like most couples who just give up.

Since then I've just been so down, and not really in the mood to do anything but its been getting better that last few days. Kody had a day off Tuesday so we rented a couple movies and got some popcorn and ice cream. Wednsday and Thursday we just stayed in and watched One Tree Hill. And yesterday we also went to the Goodwill and picked up a few books. I'm still on the same book I've been reading, but I'm trying to finish it soon. I think things are starting to go back to what they were when we first started dating. Everything was new and fun and its like the spark is starting to go out.

Last weekend was good though, I had fun, and it took my mind off everything, but once I got home that all I thought about again. Last Thursday and Friday we out to the house to see everyone that we haven't seen for two weeks. We drank and had a good time. And then Saturday it was my friend Porcha's birthday so we went out to the club and had a girls night, which was exactly what I needed and it was so much fun. I think this weekend will be fun too. Were gonna go out tonight, like we do every Friday, and see our friends and other than that I dont know what else we will do.

And I did get a new camera charger so hopefully soon I will be posting pictures of my jewlery on my Etsy shop. I can't wait to get it up and running. Kody has also been researching ways to make money and such, and school is starting soon. Everything is going to be just fine.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

A Long Weekend Recap

Boyfriend and I had to go home Wednesday night because we had a funeral to go to on Thursday so I felt like I had a very loooong weekend. So after he got home from work we packed things up and were headed on the road, again. We had just gotten home last Sunday from being home for the 4th of July Weekend. This time around, though, we spent basically the whole time with Kody's family since we didn't see them for the 4th since they were out of the state. We didn't do much Wednsday since we got there kinda late. Kody's little sister wanted to go outside and play with sparkers and poppers that she had left over so we went out and did that. I wasn't really feeling it much because Kody's other sister was also there and I don't think she likes me very much, because she is always talking to Kody about me behind my back, so I feel uncomfortable when she is around.

Thursday I was suppose to go see my grandma before the funeral but we woke up really late and I didnt have time. I didnt get to see her last weekend, either, so I wanted to be sure I saw her while I was back in town. Pretty much the whole thing we did that day was go to the funera, which was Kody's uncle, who passed away from cancer. I didn't know him because Kody didn't see him much. I mean, I just met his dad, a year into our relationship. I almost cried, though, because my grandpa died of cancer when I was in 4th grade so it made me really think about that. Afterwards we went and had food with everyone who went to the funeral. I always like spending time with Kody's dad and his side of the family. I kept joking with Kody's brother, that he was the irriating brother I never had. And the highlight of the day was Kody's dad calling me his "finace." He's too funny. Last time we saw him he was calling me his "daughter in law." After that we went home and ate another full meal because Kody's mom was making steak for us and since steak is like a luxuray for us we couldn't pass it up!

Friday we went and saw my grandma. We hung out with her for a bit before she had to go over to her boyfriends. He has cancer so my grandma always goes over to make him meals and stuff. Before we left I wanted to show her the jewlery I had been making and she ended up buying a pair of earrings and a bracelet. I wasn't expecting that at all. I was just going to give her the earrings, since she liked them so much, but she ended up buying them and another thing. She gave me $20 for both. I'm using it to buy a new camera charger, which I found on Amazon for about $20 (including shipping), so I can take clear pictures of my jewlery and finally get them on my Etsy shop. After leaving my grandmas we went back to my house and my mom's boyfriend ordered some food and we hung out there for a couple hours. We would of headed back to Kody's but my grandma told us about the benifit they were having for her boyfriend so I wanted to stop there and say hi before we went back. That night we planned a night out at the drive in with Kody's mom, stepdad and little sister. Transformers was playing so I was really excited to finally see it. I like it until the end, I started to get bored. The story wasn't as good as the first and the action scenes lasted forever so I just got bored. But Shia looked hot!

Saturday we had to get up early because Kody worked at 11 and we had to make the 1 1/2 trip back home. As soon as we got back, though, I immediatly went to bed. That night we went out to our usually party house since we hadn't seen our friends for two weeks. There wasn't many people there, since everyone was recovering from the night before, but I still had fun.

Yesterday we didn't really do much. We woke up, went to eat at Jimmy Johns, and went to Sears so Kody could get a new pair of work pants. Then later that day he went to work for a few hours, I made another bracelet I decided I would surprise him with dinner. I made spagehtti, since I can't make much else. He was really surprised and happy that I did that for him. So we settled down to eat dinner and afterwards we watched Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, since he's never seen it before.

One of the best parts of the weekend was playing with this little cutie. I think I posted about him before. Its the puppy at Kody's parents house. He's around 2 months now. I love him!

Kody and I after the funeral

I thought I would let you all have a good laugh and post this picture of my grandma's cat. He's 16 years old now and his whole life he's been really really fluffy. He's gotten so old that he can't reach and clean himself so his fur was getting really ratty and he had clumps of hair everywhere. My grandma just got him shaved, and I have to say he looks really funny! :P

Well, I hope you all had a great weekend and have a great week ahead!

It Was All A Misunderstanding

First off, I would like to thank everyone who left comments on my last post. They all really made me feel so much better. With that said, I'll update you on that situation first.

I guess it was all just a big misunderstanding. The software my boyfriend "stole" of the internet, sold his information to all these porn sites and that's why he had a negative balance on his bank statement and was getting those emails. Two sites had charged his card when he checked the other morning, and then by the time he got back from the bank and was calling to close his card, there was a third charge. Thank God, he got the 50 some dollars back in his account that they had taken.

I was just thinking the worst because there have been multiple situations in the past where he has lied to me and kept things from me, so I figured this was one of those times. It took me awhile to trust him again after he cheated on me last summer, and after I was starting to trust him, he was emailing his ex girlfriend and when I asked him to stop, he continued to do it and kept it from me.

Now this wouldn't bother me, if the girl wouldn't constantly call talking bad about me, who she doesn't even know, and keep telling him that its her he should be with. This is what his ex girlfriend did all the time, when we first started dating. She would call all the time and then he wouldn't hear from her for a few months, and then it would start up all over again. Well, this past winter, I told him that it had been awhile since we heard from her, so he decided to email her, to see if she was doing alright. This is not the part that bothered me. I thought it was nice of him to do that, and I figured she was finally over him. I figured that, until she sent him a picture of herself, and was talking about how she broke up with her boyfriend and what not. Now, I am not stupid, I am a girl after all, and I know how other girls work. I told him that she still had feelings him, and that I felt uncomfortable with him talking to her. Now, I am a person that stays friends with all her exes because I think its good to stay friends, but none of my ex boyfriends have ever talked bad about Kody and none of them have told me over and over again that I should be with them instead of Kody. Kody has even met my first love, and they get along great.

So I told Kody I felt uncomfortable with him emailing her, so I kindly asked him to stop. It wasn't that I didn't trust him. I knew, and will always know, that he loves me and I am the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. It was the fact that I didn't like this girl, because she constantly talked about me to him, when she doesn't know me, and she constantly threw it in his face that he shouldn't be with me, but her. I really don't appreciate that and for that reason I will never be nice to her. His other ex girlfriends seem like such sweet girls. I even met one last New Years, and she was so nice. I really want to meet his ex girlfriend, Jessica, because she seems like such a sweet girl, and she was the one that told him he needed to tell me he cheated on me. They still talk every now and then, and that doesn't bother me, because she respects our relationship. This other girl doesn't. I'm not going to respect someone, if they don't respect me.

So, I kindly asked him to stop, because it made me really uncomfortable, and I knew it wouldn't be long til she was throwing herself at him again, because I knew she still had feelings. I thought he stopped until I saw his email, because he left it logged into my phone. I asked him about it, and he said he felt bad so he continued to talk to her. I got upset because instead of feeling bad for lying to me and keeping this from me, he felt bad for her. She makes people feel bad for her, with her "I hate myself attitude," and whatnot. And after I confronted him about it, he told me he didn't want to talk to her anymore anyway because she was back to her old way, and she was talking about me, again, just like I told him she would. After she starting doing this again, he finally realized that I was right, and she did still have feelings for him. So he emailed her one last time to tell her that I was right about it all, and she wrote back and told him that I was right, and she did have feelings for him.

That was in the winter, and he hasn't talked to her since. I guess she's doing well, because his sister brought her up the other day while we were at his parents house. I'm glad she is doing well. I don't wish anything bad for her, because I'm not that type of person. I don't hate anyone. Not even that girl that seduced my boyfriend and caused him to cheat on me. I would just never try and be nice to them. I know Kody loves me and he only wants to be with me, and that we're going to get married. He's my first true love, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. Thats why I forgave him for cheating on me. I know he made a mistake and it would never happen again. I still have dreams, all the time, though, of us breaking up, but I know it's not going to happen. But I guess, deep down somewhere its a huge fear of mine.

The whole cheating and ex girlfriend thing is why it upset me so much that I thought he was keeping this porn thing from me. I mean, I don't care if he watches porn, or looks at porn. I know he did last summer, when he didn't see me for a couple weeks, and I think he has recently. I just dont want him to hide it from me or lie to me, because it makes me feel if he lies about that, he could lie about anything. And I just found some naked girl pictures on his phone not too long ago, which he kept from me, and is why this upset me alot also.

But after confronting him, he assured me I have nothing to worry about.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Am I Overreacting?

The other day Boyfriend told me that he stole some computer software online for his business and today his bank account was negative 40 some dollars. Yesterday it was 50 some dollars so someone hacked his bank account and drained about 100 dollars because he kept his information on his computer.

Well today I went on his computer to download some music, and his email was open to an email saying his account was verified, and it was for a porn site. This porn site charged you almost 50 dollars to be a member, but it said he owed nothing, so I'm thinking I just caught him in a lie and he either didn't buy the computer software and he bought this porn instead, or he got both. Well not buy, but stole.

Not only did he become a member of this site, but he became a member of another porn site, which I believe is free. And not too long ago I found porn saved to his phone. Last summer I knew he looked at porn when he didn't see me for awhile, but we live together now, and have for almost a year. Now I just feel like I'm not good enough or something and I don't know what to do.

As soon as he gets home from work, I'm going to confront him about it. Do you think I'm overacting or do I have a right to be pissed?

Sunday, July 5, 2009

What A Wonderful 4th of July Weekend

I had such a great 4th of July weekend! Boyfriend and I spent it with my family and we had such a good time.

Friday we left our apartment, after Kody got off work, and we on our way to my mom's house. We ate dinner with my mom and her boyfriend and then we went to go visit my grandparents and some of my other family at the campgrounds. We were going to go to the dive in to see Transformers, but it was way too packed. We hung out with my grandparents and some of my aunts, uncles, and cousins, for a couple hours, sitting around the campfire. It reminded me of how much fun I had as a kid when me and my sisters used to go camping with them.

Saturday we were suppose to go to my dad and step mom's 4th of July party but they had to cancel because my dad was sick for awhile and missed some days of work, so they didn't have the money to have the party. So we went and hung out at the campgrounds again. We were there almost all day, just hanging with my family and playing some games. We played a little Hillbilly Golf and my little sister and I won a few times and lost to my grandpa and uncle. Afterwards we went to bingo to see if we could win any money, but we lost. A single game was worth $80 and coverall was $440. We left the campgrounds to go watch the fireworks with my sister at the park. We were afraid of not getting a parking spot but we parked at the hospital, a few blocks away, and we were able to catch a shuttle bus that took us to the park, and back to our car after the fireworks were done. I love watching fireworks and I was sad I missed them last year, because of work, so I was excited to be able to see them this year. And it was the first fireworks show me and Kody have seen together. After the firworks we went back to my sisters and played a little beer pong with her and a few of her friends. All and all it was a great 4th of July and I loved spending it with Kody and my family.

Sunday we woke up early from my sisters and drove back to my mom's. Then we slept til about two. Before leaving to go back home we went to visit my dad and step mom since we haven't seen them since Easter. I'm really upset that they weren't able to have thier party because they haven't had a big party since I was in like 9th grade and it was so fun. They were going to have volleyball, slip and slides, fireworks, and a bonfire. They want to plan one for the end of the month and I told them we would be coming back August 1st for my family reunion so Dad said they might have it that day so we could be there. I really hope they do. And now were relaxing at home and watching tv :)

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Things I Want Thursday...Part Two

If you want to play, go on over to Are You Sassified and grab her button :)

1. I want... to win the corn hole tourney that Boyfriend and I are going to participate in. The prize is a $100 Visa gift card and we could really use that go shopping.

2. I want... to go shopping, which brings me back to number 1. Its been so long since I've been shopping for new clothes. The last thing I bought was a dress to wear for my birthday, back in January.

3. I want... to have a safe, and fun 4th of July. Boyfriend and I are going home tomorrow to visit my mom and her boyfriend and to party with my dad and step-mom at their huge 4th of July party on Saturday.

4. I want... to go swimming. I haven't worn my bathing suit all summer, and now summer is halfway over. I think its about time to put it on!

I don't really have much this week...but the main thing I want is that $100 gift card :)