I'm Such A Slacker...

Sorry about slacking on this blog lately. I've been kinda busy with my other blogs and some other stuff. But anyway, lets go back to last Thursday and work our way to the present, shall we?

So last Thursday Kody and I got in a HUGE fight! It was probably one of the biggest we've had, and the worst we've had here in the last few weeks that we've been fighting. I don't really want to go into details, but my temper got out of control and he got really mad at me. After I woke up from a two hour nap, that was meant to cool me off, I came out to the living room and he was writing something on his note pad. It turns out it was a letter to me. He wrote it and then told me he was leaving for a couple hours because he needed to get away from me. I was pretty upset because every other time we have a fight we always just talk it out and we are all better. I tried to stop him from going, but no prevail. Finally, I just let him go, thinking that would be the best. I couldn't stop crying, though. And to top it all off, he was almost an hour late coming home. But we finally sorted out our problems and we've been pretty much perfect ever since.

The next day we were to head home, to my parent's, because I had a family reunion to go to. Friday my best friend, Chelsey wanted me to go to the club with her, so Kody just stayed home and hung out with our friend, John. I ended up going to the club with Chelsey, my sister, Ashlee, and her friend. Our original plan was to go to this dance club but we got there and NOBODY was there. So I said "let's go to the gay bar," so we did. And we had so much fun.

Saturday was my family reunion, and it was the first time Kody went to one of my family functions, besides the holidays. It was an alright time, I mean who really has fun at a family reunion. Afterwards we went to Hobby Lobby so I could get some things for my jewlery. I ended up making a bracelet and starting on a pair of earrings. That night we watched Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix because I haven't seen it since it was in theaters, two years ago.

Sunday my grandma took us and my cousins to see Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, since I hadn't seen it yet. I was waiting to see it with her so since I was home I figured it would be a good time to see it. And it was amzing, like they all are. Harry Potter never disappoints. After finishing up the earrings I started and finishing up a necklace, because my grandma said she will try and sell my stuff at this garage sale, we headed on back to school.

The last couple of days, nothing much has gone on with me...until today. Today has been a pretty bad day. First I waterlogged my Blackberry, but I got it working again after just blowing it out for about an hour or two. After fixing that problem, my scroll ball fell apart, so I couldn't actually do anything on my phone but listen to music. So since I had music, I walked to campus to go to the financial aid office, but happened to forget my tax forms, so I pretty much walked there for nothing. Thank goodness, Kody was able to fix my scroll ball. The ring around it just needs glued in place because it has lost almost all of its prongs.

Well, I hope you have had a good week, so far.

I'm Starting to Feel Better :)

Me, Porcha, and Eden

I didn't take any pictures from my friend's Porcha's birthday out at the club, but my friend Jackie took a few before we left, and I love this picture. This was about a week and a half ago, when I was first starting to feel depressed. I love this picture because I look so happy, which I was happy because I love girl's nights, and just having some fun without Boyfriend. I mean, I love spending time with Kody, but sometimes we need to go out without each other, but its hard, since we hang out with all the same people.

This weekend, though, Kody and I had another fight, on Friday night. Everything was going so well until I caught him outside, smoking. He quit smoking months ago, after he found out his grandma had lung cancer. His mother is also at risk of getting throat cancer because she smokes so much. I was so proud of him for quitting because the earlier you quit smoking the less risk you have of getting cancer. He is only 20 so he hasn't been smoking for not even close to as long as his mother, or what his grandma did. She quit smoking 11 years ago.

But anyway, I caught him outside smoking, when I thought he only took hits occasionally from people at work. He told me he did that, but he would never buy a pack again. So I asked him where he got it from and he told me he bought his own pack. Thats what upset me the most because he told me he wouldn't do that. But he told me he got the pack like 2 or three weeks ago and has only smoke a few from it since then. In my mind, at least he isn't smoking on a regular basis, and he isn't doing it that often, but I was still disapointed in him, and I told him that. So he put the half smoked cigarette out.

My grandpa died of cancer when I was in 4th grade. My grandma is now with a guy, who's she has been with for the past several years, and he has cancer. Kody's grandma had cancer and his mom is at risk for cancer. My grandpa and my grandma's boyfriend's cancer has nothing to do with smoking, but anyone should understand why I wouldn't want my boyfriend so smoke. He's told me that he's quit smoking before but started back up again because he wanted to. I'm scared he's going to start smoking regularly again. And I don't want to lose him to cancer one day. Not only did his grandma have cancer but a lot of her family has died of cancer as well. He said it was breast cancer, but it was cancer non the less.

I know that he could still get some other kind of cancer, that has nothing to do with smoking, but at least his risks are lowered if he doesn't smoke. My grandpa was my best friend and I lost him. Thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I dont want to lose my best friend to cancer, again. Losing my grandpa was the hardest thing I ever had to go through and I dont want to do it again. I want to grow old with Kody and I want him to die an old man. My grandpa wasn't an old man, he was in his 50s.

Sorry For the Lack of Posting Lately

I've been really depressed lately and I haven't been in the mood to do almost anything. Even blog, which I love doing. I mean, I've been pretty down all summer, with not being able to find a job and whatnot, but I've been especially depressed this past week and a half. Its mostly because Kody and I have been fighting a lot this past week and a half.

Everything was good after we got back from visiting his parents a couple weeks ago, but last Tuesday we really got into it. I guess he has been stressed lately and was blaming me for everything saying that he wanted a companion and not a child. Basically saying that I was lazy because I didn't have a job and whatnot. He also felt like I didn't find him attractive anymore and that I hated touching him and kissing him. It made me feel like everything was falling apart and that we were soon going to break up. But we made up, like we always do, and he apologized and said he didnt mean all those things and he knows that I'm going through a slump right now and that everything will be fine once school starts in a month.

But I still couldn't help but feel depressed and feel like our relationship was falling apart and that I may be loosing him. Writing about it now makes me sad and want to tear up a little. He is everything to me, my best friend, my rock. I don't know what I would do without him. I've never felt this way about anyone else before, he is my first true love, my soul mate, the man I'm going to marry. But the both of us know we want to be together forever, so we do whatever we can to make things work and to get over our fights because we dont want to be like most couples who just give up.

Since then I've just been so down, and not really in the mood to do anything but its been getting better that last few days. Kody had a day off Tuesday so we rented a couple movies and got some popcorn and ice cream. Wednsday and Thursday we just stayed in and watched One Tree Hill. And yesterday we also went to the Goodwill and picked up a few books. I'm still on the same book I've been reading, but I'm trying to finish it soon. I think things are starting to go back to what they were when we first started dating. Everything was new and fun and its like the spark is starting to go out.

Last weekend was good though, I had fun, and it took my mind off everything, but once I got home that all I thought about again. Last Thursday and Friday we out to the house to see everyone that we haven't seen for two weeks. We drank and had a good time. And then Saturday it was my friend Porcha's birthday so we went out to the club and had a girls night, which was exactly what I needed and it was so much fun. I think this weekend will be fun too. Were gonna go out tonight, like we do every Friday, and see our friends and other than that I dont know what else we will do.

And I did get a new camera charger so hopefully soon I will be posting pictures of my jewlery on my Etsy shop. I can't wait to get it up and running. Kody has also been researching ways to make money and such, and school is starting soon. Everything is going to be just fine.

It Was All A Misunderstanding

First off, I would like to thank everyone who left comments on my last post. They all really made me feel so much better. With that said, I'll update you on that situation first.

I guess it was all just a big misunderstanding. The software my boyfriend "stole" of the internet, sold his information to all these porn sites and that's why he had a negative balance on his bank statement and was getting those emails. Two sites had charged his card when he checked the other morning, and then by the time he got back from the bank and was calling to close his card, there was a third charge. Thank God, he got the 50 some dollars back in his account that they had taken.

I was just thinking the worst because there have been multiple situations in the past where he has lied to me and kept things from me, so I figured this was one of those times. It took me awhile to trust him again after he cheated on me last summer, and after I was starting to trust him, he was emailing his ex girlfriend and when I asked him to stop, he continued to do it and kept it from me.

Now this wouldn't bother me, if the girl wouldn't constantly call talking bad about me, who she doesn't even know, and keep telling him that its her he should be with. This is what his ex girlfriend did all the time, when we first started dating. She would call all the time and then he wouldn't hear from her for a few months, and then it would start up all over again. Well, this past winter, I told him that it had been awhile since we heard from her, so he decided to email her, to see if she was doing alright. This is not the part that bothered me. I thought it was nice of him to do that, and I figured she was finally over him. I figured that, until she sent him a picture of herself, and was talking about how she broke up with her boyfriend and what not. Now, I am not stupid, I am a girl after all, and I know how other girls work. I told him that she still had feelings him, and that I felt uncomfortable with him talking to her. Now, I am a person that stays friends with all her exes because I think its good to stay friends, but none of my ex boyfriends have ever talked bad about Kody and none of them have told me over and over again that I should be with them instead of Kody. Kody has even met my first love, and they get along great.

So I told Kody I felt uncomfortable with him emailing her, so I kindly asked him to stop. It wasn't that I didn't trust him. I knew, and will always know, that he loves me and I am the one he wants to be with for the rest of his life. It was the fact that I didn't like this girl, because she constantly talked about me to him, when she doesn't know me, and she constantly threw it in his face that he shouldn't be with me, but her. I really don't appreciate that and for that reason I will never be nice to her. His other ex girlfriends seem like such sweet girls. I even met one last New Years, and she was so nice. I really want to meet his ex girlfriend, Jessica, because she seems like such a sweet girl, and she was the one that told him he needed to tell me he cheated on me. They still talk every now and then, and that doesn't bother me, because she respects our relationship. This other girl doesn't. I'm not going to respect someone, if they don't respect me.

So, I kindly asked him to stop, because it made me really uncomfortable, and I knew it wouldn't be long til she was throwing herself at him again, because I knew she still had feelings. I thought he stopped until I saw his email, because he left it logged into my phone. I asked him about it, and he said he felt bad so he continued to talk to her. I got upset because instead of feeling bad for lying to me and keeping this from me, he felt bad for her. She makes people feel bad for her, with her "I hate myself attitude," and whatnot. And after I confronted him about it, he told me he didn't want to talk to her anymore anyway because she was back to her old way, and she was talking about me, again, just like I told him she would. After she starting doing this again, he finally realized that I was right, and she did still have feelings for him. So he emailed her one last time to tell her that I was right about it all, and she wrote back and told him that I was right, and she did have feelings for him.

That was in the winter, and he hasn't talked to her since. I guess she's doing well, because his sister brought her up the other day while we were at his parents house. I'm glad she is doing well. I don't wish anything bad for her, because I'm not that type of person. I don't hate anyone. Not even that girl that seduced my boyfriend and caused him to cheat on me. I would just never try and be nice to them. I know Kody loves me and he only wants to be with me, and that we're going to get married. He's my first true love, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. Thats why I forgave him for cheating on me. I know he made a mistake and it would never happen again. I still have dreams, all the time, though, of us breaking up, but I know it's not going to happen. But I guess, deep down somewhere its a huge fear of mine.

The whole cheating and ex girlfriend thing is why it upset me so much that I thought he was keeping this porn thing from me. I mean, I don't care if he watches porn, or looks at porn. I know he did last summer, when he didn't see me for a couple weeks, and I think he has recently. I just dont want him to hide it from me or lie to me, because it makes me feel if he lies about that, he could lie about anything. And I just found some naked girl pictures on his phone not too long ago, which he kept from me, and is why this upset me alot also.

But after confronting him, he assured me I have nothing to worry about.

Am I Overreacting?

The other day Boyfriend told me that he stole some computer software online for his business and today his bank account was negative 40 some dollars. Yesterday it was 50 some dollars so someone hacked his bank account and drained about 100 dollars because he kept his information on his computer.

Well today I went on his computer to download some music, and his email was open to an email saying his account was verified, and it was for a porn site. This porn site charged you almost 50 dollars to be a member, but it said he owed nothing, so I'm thinking I just caught him in a lie and he either didn't buy the computer software and he bought this porn instead, or he got both. Well not buy, but stole.

Not only did he become a member of this site, but he became a member of another porn site, which I believe is free. And not too long ago I found porn saved to his phone. Last summer I knew he looked at porn when he didn't see me for awhile, but we live together now, and have for almost a year. Now I just feel like I'm not good enough or something and I don't know what to do.

As soon as he gets home from work, I'm going to confront him about it. Do you think I'm overacting or do I have a right to be pissed?